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I have to make you do all the same things I'm making them do." Joyce was beaming at me as I told her that. I think I'd finally managed to convince her that I valued her the same as I did Brenda or Emily.Brenda got to the house at seven fifteen. Joyce and I were eating with Mama in the dining room when she arrived. Mama went and answered the door, after I tried to jump up to get it myself. You could tell that Mama was excited to see Brenda invited to the house again. Brenda had dressed up nice. I had been struggling with my gender for as long as I could remember, butit seemed like lately I could not fight any more, and cross-dressedwhenever I could. Finally, I had reached a point where I wondered wheremy faith in God had gone, and having prayed to have this need taken fromme for years without an answer, I reached the conclusion I was a lostcause.This led me to having a scary moment where I had a bottle of pills onbed, and I was trying to figure out how many would kill me, since. That kind smile, that never seemed to reach his eyes. The cold efficiency of his stance. But laying there, strapped to a hospital bed, my left eye swollen shut. My nose and cheek broken. Unable to breathe properly due to broken ribs. He looked to me like the savior of man, as he leaned over my bed and said “Hello Mason. I’ve heard good things about you.”‘In this hole. That is me. Left with a heart exhausted. What’s my release? What sets me free? Do you pull me up just to push me down again?. "What about a knife-throwing act, Julia? They always use a beautiful young lady for that kind of thing and they don't come any more beautiful than you!" You must be mad, darling. Quite raving mad! I doubt there's anyone in that village could throw a knife with that kind of skill and I don't fancy becoming a human pincushion! I still love you, so don't think I'm about to drop you, darling, but that idea gets the thumbs down without a shadow of doubt."Giles smiled tolerantly. "No, I don't suggest.
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